Holiday Horoscopes
A.S.
December 2024
Aries: Your lifelong dream of cutting down the Hyperion redwood and using it as a Christmas tree will finally come true.
Taurus: Be wary when you develop an extremely intense affinity for latkes over the winter season. To your dismay, exactly 68.71259% of them may or may not be poisoned by your arch-nemesis.
Gemini: Brace yourself the next time “Feliz Navidad” starts playing.
Cancer: You will survive, but barely.
Leo: You will frequently mistake chocolate gelt for real money and go broke by January. On February 3, at 4:51 p.m. you will be arrested for counterfeiting.
Virgo: Please don’t smash the gingerbread house every time you screw up, especially when you start stomping it into the ground because then we have to clean up all the crumbs.
Taurus: Be wary when you develop an extremely intense affinity for latkes over the winter season. To your dismay, exactly 68.71259% of them may or may not be poisoned by your arch-nemesis.
Gemini: Brace yourself the next time “Feliz Navidad” starts playing.
Cancer: You will survive, but barely.
Leo: You will frequently mistake chocolate gelt for real money and go broke by January. On February 3, at 4:51 p.m. you will be arrested for counterfeiting.
Virgo: Please don’t smash the gingerbread house every time you screw up, especially when you start stomping it into the ground because then we have to clean up all the crumbs.
Libra: Walking around holding mistletoe above your head won’t work.
Sagittarius: Prepare to go on a long journey to find Santa Claus and free the indentured elves.
Capricorn: You will inevitably rig your house with traps like in Home Alone due to your fondness of the movie, chronic paranoia, and sadistic tendencies toward burglars.
Aquarius: Chugging eggnog will only make you feel worse.
Pisces: A mysterious box of winter gifts will soon appear on your doorstep. Be sure to burn the creepy-looking elf doll you find inside it.