Recipe for an Immortality Potion

A.S. Satire, The Big Bad
October 2025

Ingredients:
  • 1 pint of Country Crock Margarine
  • The leftover bolognese sauce from a Prep Cafeteria dish
  • 3 broken shards of a Hitch DVD (Starring Will Smith)
  • The tears of a student after midterms
  • 2½ quarts of water from the Memorial Fountain
  • A Latin hymn stolen from Mr. Baker’s room
  • 500 mg of liquid ibuprofen (very important)

Instructions:
  1. Preheat the oven to 400˚ fahrenheit.
  2. Crush the DVD shards in a mortar and pestle until they are about the size of rice grains. Make sure it’s not too fine.
  3. Then combine everything in a large bowl, mixing thoroughly. 
  4. Pour the mixture into a pot and bring it to a boil. It only boils if you sing a Latin hymn to it nonstop, so you'd better be in choir and Latin class. You may also cackle maniacally over the pot like a witch.
  5. After it boils, strain the DVD bits out—you don’t want to drink that part. 
  6. Turn off the oven after realising you didn’t need it.
  7. And that’s how you make a Potion of Immortality (totally legit)!